I knew he was kind, patient, nurturing, driven, intelligent, funny, and dreamy as hell, but I never could have expected what an incredible dad he would be. I met him three weeks into my freshman year of college and after we spoke that first time and I learned that he was studying early childhood education as well, I think my heart just knew he was it for me. I had just turned 18 years old.
He lost his mother, his best friend, at the young age of 20-unexpectedly. She was only in her early forties. I read her cards and notes to him from those beginning college years after she was gone, with his permission of course. They said things on how to treat me, talk to me, how to pick out gifts for my birthday and holidays. She was such a sweet woman. I think about how proud she would be of her son. If she only knew what was in store for him!! I thank his mother and father for bringing this incredible man into the world, and I thank God for connecting our paths. I married him by the way.;)
No one thinks they will have a child with health concerns, or major developmental delays. It’s just not in your parenthood fantasies growing up, or when trying to begin a family. You inhale quickly at those parts of the “babies born with special needs” in the What to Expect When Expecting books, and turn the pages quickly because “that won’t happen to you.” No. No. You fantasize about your child having your love of music and his athletic ability. You’ll work so hard with them on their schoolwork. You can’t wait to raise them with good values and morals. You’ll be diligent in raising a kind child who loves God and helps others to see Him. Your child will make a difference in this big old, often times ugly and scary world. Your child will be the picture of health.
And then you are a parent and you have a child whom the world would not refer to as “a picture of health.” No, something is wrong with her. She’ll be measured constantly in every way: physically, mentally, developmentally, and socially. You may wonder where you went wrong in your role.
In my opinion, the fathers of our children with special needs do not get enough recognition. At least, my hubby deserves a shout out on this Father’s Day, in this space. You guys, he is a reserved, behind the scenes, stoic, rock of a person-the complete opposite of me. Thank heavens!
So daddies. I see you. I see you holding up your wives when they are completely drained and “can’t do this anymore”. I see you hiding your grief, and your crushed dreams because you need your wife to be ok, and currently her tears are soaking your shirt because your daughter can’t do-may never do-what those girls are doing. I see you working to provide and at the same time not wanting to miss one doctor or therapy appointment, one meeting about your child. I see you on the phone working to get hospital bills lowered, even if by a few bucks because anything helps. I see you going over your finances again and again because there are just so many extra costs and then…there is the possibility that your child will always need you to provide for her. I see you jumping in to speak to your child’s therapist, doctor, and teacher about their goals and progression after you’ve had a ten-hour workday yourself. I see you jump in to home routines and playtime. You are the hero. You.never.stop.
I pray you have an outlet. Do you have a “tribe” like so many of us moms do where you can share your thoughts? I know that us moms can steal the spotlight of articles, blogs, mentor programs and support groups for parents that have children with special needs. So much “self care” care discussion in our circles. Do you get that? You matter. Your health and happiness matter.
In our tiny corner of the world, no one does it better than you, Erik. First, a father to our beautiful mystery girl, our Lydia, and then a daddy to triplets-all within four years while building a career a, marriage and a home. Stop being a show off, ok? Happy Father’s Day to you, E! You’re the love of my life.
Happy Father’s Day to all of the amazing dads out there! Happy Father’s day to all of you who are on a parenthood journey that is much different than you ever expected. You’ve got this!! Happy Father’s Day to all the dads who have angels in heaven; you have been on my heart.
And in conclusion, remember those dreams about parenthood?
She loves music and soccer. She is rocking her education, even if it may look a little different. She knows right from wrong, is kind and loves God. She has helped us witness God even more in our daily life, and she is making a difference in this big old, often times ugly and scary world. Thank you for being my partner in that, E.
